Kosher Pork Rinds

It's EVERYWHERE!

2008-11-07T12:55:00.007+02:00

'Salmonella Outbreak Tied to Dry Dog Food Continues'

I thought at first it was a bunch of hungry homeless people munching on dog food to save a bit of money and ending up with hospital bills the size of War and Peace.

Then I read this bit 'As of Oct. 31, 79 cases of salmonella Schwarzengrund had been reported in 21 states. Most of the cases involved children 2 years old and younger, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.'

I'm not sure which is worse, little kids getting sick or homeless people not knowing the difference.

Cotton Candy

2008-11-07T09:18:00.002+02:00

I found out that cotten candy is called Grandfather's Hair in Hebrew. Woo Hoo! Israelis finally did something right and picked an awesome name for an awesome candy.

Looking for a New Job

2008-09-14T21:11:00.006+03:00

I'm quitting my job in two weeks. Woo Hoo! My boss is now on the prowl for fresh meat to ruin. He posted a help wanted sign in the window with one little clause, applicants must be Sabbath observant. It's a little known fact that kosher-food would not be kosher if it wasn't prepared by a Sabbath observant Jew. The Rabbis in our day and age generally interpret this to mean that the resident Rabbi must light the pilot light before work begins for the day and then all is good with the world.

The little hole in the wall deli place where I work isn't large enough to employ a full time rabbi to be on site, so the kashrut authority which certifies the deli requires that Sabbath observant Jews must work there in order to receive the 'kosher' certification. Non-religious people think I'm joking but I've had to turn away a good number of applicants (both lying and honest.). People continually tell me that 'they've got a Yarmulke in their pocket' as if I might want to see it.

The other day while reading a book during yet another long and boring shift, I noticed a wacky looking fellow sitting on the steps across the square from the deli. He was dressed in a wife beater, multicolored short shorts and a Na Nachman Kippah. He looked to be somewhere in his late twenties to early thirties and he was reading a small book which he kept putting down every two minutes to look up at the deli. Finally after an hour he walked inside and inquired about the help wanted sign. The first question I asked him was whether he was Sabbath Observant. He admitted that last week had been the first week which he managed to keep the entire Sabbath. He explained that he had been trying very hard to become more religious and that keeping one whole Sabbath was a milestone in his observance. I told him we needed someone who was a serious Sabbath observer or we couldn't honestly say we were Kosher. He told me he would try very hard to keep it. I figured it couldn't hurt at this point to be nice and write his name down to humor him. At this point things got complicated. I asked him for a phone number and he said he didn't have one just yet. Then he asked if he could have my cell phone number so he could call me about the job. I gave him one of the store's business cards. He looked it over carefully and then asked me if the boss paid cash 'under the table' or by check. I explained that like any reputable business, the boss paid the employees by check. He simply put the card down and walked out. I'm still not sure where he might've been going with that one.

Oh well, one more name off the list.

Avner's Day Off

2008-08-29T02:22:00.005+03:00

I kid you not. This appeared in today's ישראל היום (Israel Today). A relatively minor publication up until now, this daily circulation has managed to do what most papers only dream about; publish a serious paper all while keeping it entirely free. It pays for itself in advertising profits. You can pick up your copy at any large intersection of business type people in the morning. I pass by Ben Yehudah street daily and pick up my copy. Its brilliant and has the right to be respected that is until they thought of this joke.
Among the Sudoku and other nonsensical games that appear in the back of the paper, this little gem appeared. Apparently Avner (for those that can't read Hebrew) is having trouble watching TV because the remote is on the other side of the room. Lard ass can't move his butt the few steps of effort to get the remote. So instead I'm the schmuck who has to help this fat stupid Israeli to further commit mental Seppuku. No wonder Israeli children learn no positive values from the newspaper and the Charadi (Super Orthodox) population likes to talk about the Media's Evil Agenda. I should be helping little squirrels get to their nuts or something equally as benign. Avner just doesn't quite make it on my list of notable people worth the effort.

Tel Aviv is #1

2008-08-23T22:03:00.006+03:00

I read several months ago in an Israeli newspaper that the rate of draft dodgers in this country has hit an all time high of 52%. That's a lot of youth avoiding the army. Granted a large sector of population (read religious woman and ultra orthodox charadi) avoid the army like the plague, Tel Aviv still has surpassed Jerusalem for the #1 spot. That's not hard to believe when you realize that the sociological makeup of Tel Aviv is mostly liberal leftist Israelis. During the 2006 Lebanon war, Tel Aviv was severely criticized for its "business as normal" attitude complete with their beaches well stocked with tanning Israelis. Talk about not paying respect to the country's soldiers dying in combat. All this makes me upset. Reading about liberal leftists, who volunteer to be interviewed for the newspaper about how the army isn't important and don't need to draft in this day and age, makes me angry.

The other day while standing outside my place of work, I got into a conversation with the kid who works at the bar next door. Trying to make small talk with an Israeli is rather easy. All you have to do is mention the army and the stories start rolling out. Easily I asked him his age and found out he was 24. Perfect age for post army since Israelis draft at 18, couldn't hurt to ask where he served. Imagine my surprise when he told me he got out of doing the army. I immediately chalked him up to be one of those leftist liberals for whom I have such disdain. Luckily, I stopped myself from commenting and just asked a simple why as if I was curious. He immediately pulled his hands out of his pockets and showed me his right hand with a natural birth deformity. I quickly swallowed the foot in my mouth and told him that's a great reason.

I am ashamed for passing such quick judgement on someone without knowing the whole story

Thankfully, he had the good graces to laugh it off.

All sad but true.

2008-08-18T10:50:00.004+03:00

Sometimes Israeli fashion sense scares me just a teeny bit. Ever see those Israeli women who want to be biker moms? you know who I mean, those 40 year old woman who suck in their flabby bellies just enough to slip into a pair of tight pants two sizes too small and shoes that have no place being worn by a woman twice my age. You know they would wear leather if it were cheap enough. Or those grandmothers who think "sexy" means cheerful, sweet, and fun loving. I'm appalled they were allowed to dress themselves in the nursing home. T-shirts with interesting statements should be banned unless you know how to read the language. At least one girl I saw the other day had a sense of humor. Her shirt broadcasted loud and clear about her "Crazy Russian Boyfriend." Begging to be touched.

I saw the purple man the other day. Even his Crocs were purple. They matched his shorts. I'd naturally assume he was gay but his wife and kids were tagging behind. Nothing wrong with pink becoming the new green but an entire wardrobe shouldn't consist of one color.

See I do understand that most people have little, if any, fashion sense and I'm grateful that at the least its not an American sense of trying to stick a 400 lb. girl into something that will show off her cleavage as well as every other bit of fat that she'd like to share, but please would you try to match your shoes to your socks before you leave the house? We aren't even going to talk about the MTV style that is deemed cool because they saw it on American TV. Mullets were banned after the 80's for a good reason.

All sad but true. At least Israelis are skinny.

Bacon

2007-05-12T21:03:00.000+03:00

Pondering where people end up when they die, it struck me as such that the worst place a certified atheist could end up when he kicks the bucket would be heaven with all the good little religious kids who would do nothing more then try and convert the aforementioned naysayer. Likewise, the worst place an orthodox fanatic could end up while pushing up daisies would be with all those godless heathens who deny god and insult these people by their very brazenness. Given as granted that both believe the other will end up in hell, It amuses me greatly knowing that the worst calamity that could befall either group is knowing that they will end up together in the end. That being stated we must already be in hell because both already live together on this planet... I hope bacon taste good.

The Next Schmuck

2007-03-20T16:41:00.000+02:00

Trash strewn on the side of the road is analogous to a good deed. I mean, how often does one stop and notice the rubbish lying in the grass alongside the road and feel anxious, upset, and disgusted by its very existence? Its akin to raping the earth: Destroying the Ozone layer: Nuking the whales. Its a blight on this planet and a curse on whoever tossed said cigarette butt, soda can or random assortment of food wrapper carelessly on the ground. That being said a landfill is infinitely worse. Its a common blight on humanity. It will sit there for generations without decreasing in mass, size or smell, and worst of all, Its in a place where no one sees it. Sure the trash on the side of the road is minimal in comparison and heavy on the emotional impact but the trash in a garbage dump is compressed and compacted problem slowly eating away our natural resources with no one noticing or giving a damn. Its out of peoples' sight, out of peoples' mind. No one can really recognize the impact of the problem because it doesn't saturate peoples' consciousness the way a random discarded newspaper lying on the street corner boils the blood and fires the anger. people are more prone to notice a problem when it confronts them head on in the face. So do your duty as a citizen. Don't throw out your trash. Leave it lying on the street corner for the next schmuck to pick up. Let someone else deal with your mess. Help show people that this planet has a problem. It won't get any better until we make a statement. Litter, Its the right thing to do!

And another random tiyul...

2007-03-16T05:21:00.000+02:00

The advantage of having facebook mobile lets me list and keep everyone up to date on all my latest and greatest schemes that can't possibly have gone right but some how managed alright in the end. So without further ado, I now post all the last updates in an organized fashion with a few explanations to further intrigue your curiosity.

Captain's log, stardate 13.03.07 Zalman is chillin by the dead sea with some random hippies he met along the way. 2:58am
We discovered random hippies love to hang out at hitching points and love free rides. After discovering they were headed in our direction we thought it would be nice to hang out with them at the beach. Suffice to say they objected on grounds that we wouldn't get a hitch for five people and lo and behold, two minutes later a car stops and has room for five. Luck was with us for when we stopped at the next point to get a hitch, I was starving. The very moment we got out of the car a vehicle full of soldiers stops by and offers us four sandwiches. (one of the hippies natrually happened to be vegetarian)
Zalman is enjoying a bottle of whisky with a random stranger. 4:54am
While hanging out at the hitching point near the dead sea to continue to Metzada, there was a girl and guy hanging out there thinking the very same thing. Of course the guy had with him a bottle of whisky so while we let the girls stop the cars because they are better at looking beautiful and stopping automobiles, we two sat on the side of the road and passed the bottle back and forth.
Zalman is enjoying the view at Metzada after ditching the hippies. 6:14pm
Zalman is sipping some great campside stew by candlelight in the middle of nowhere by some random tree. 8:38pm
Zalman is sleeping under the millions of stars in all the wide universe in the middle of nowhere. 9:07pm

Captain's log, stardate 14.03.07 Zalman is watching the sunrise after conquering Metzada in flipflops. 6:24am
Zalman is napping on a bench in the warm sunlight. 10:36am
Zalman is back in freezing cold Jerusalem. They even say it might snow. Where did the sun go? 4:12pm
Miriam deserves many thanks for accepting us into her humble abode and feeding us warm soup and pita while giving us changes of dry clothing to wear after coming in soaked to the bone.

Next week, the army....

This episode has been brought to you by the letter H and the number 23.

In Honor of a Tradition.

2007-02-16T00:04:00.000+02:00

Yesterday was Valentine's Day; I had the perfect date with a ping pong ball. It was short and sweet and involved a little ball playing. No matter how much others may cheat, a ping pong ball will nearly always be returned to its sender. Granted there was a little table action that might be termed kinky but it was taken seriously and was definitely non committal. Two edges of a different side with paddles to take it on. Fast, slow, back, forth - words could not describe the raw power of a single purpose of rhythmic motion flying between two adversaries of opposites. It ended on a high note with a little bit of a release of pent up emotion finding freedom in sound. Overall it was a wonderful Valentine's Day. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and didn't have to stoop to the level of buying chocolates or any of the other such nonsense that our society must sell as necessary to have a good time. Perhaps there might be a repeat date. I'll keep everyone posted on details as they develop.

The Hearts and Minds.

2007-01-12T03:04:00.000+02:00

I apologize. I haven't been on a computer for weeks. Actually that's not true. I have been online, but I've been flat hunting and every available moment online has been spent desperately searching for place to live so I don't have to move into a cardboard box when I start boot camp. Worst case I'll find a nice refrigerator box. Something big with lots of leg room. OK I'll stop fantasizing and move onto reality. I've realized that Its been far too long since I've made fun of a minority. Its appalling really. So really I'd just like to say, ever see those movies of the little kids at Hamas or Al Quida rallies? You know the types, where they shout out verses of the Koran about death and destruction and all sorts of heavenly rewards to entice the youngins that this is the way? Afterwards you can see the rapture as the little kids shout back in their teeny weeny bopper voices, in slightly higher pitch about how wonderful it is to be a martyr for their faith in the army of God. You can see the joy and contentment as they ingratiate themselves with their elders who help lead these assemblies. Its wonderfully, truly wonderful to see such enlightenment on childrens' faces. They are being led like sheep through the narrow and dark valley by a willful shepherd who will illuminate their way. But that's that... On a brighter note, I love watching the Chabad (a minority sect of Judaism) kids who line up for assembly as the Rabbi shouts out verses about the Messiah and the little kids shout back. Its so touching to see how much they want to prove their yearning for a goal and reward of a world yet to come. Really I appreciate how much effort these people put into teaching the kids that this is the way. They are like sheep that need leading through a narrow and unkindly valley. If only there were more shepherds like those people. The world might be a brighter and simpler place.

Hi,

2006-12-25T16:00:00.000+02:00

I don't know how, but last week I ended up in Tzfat. That was Sunday. My friends, Akiva and Chloe, almost got stuck outside of Rammalla. Then a nice Jew driving a car stopped suddenly and yelled at them to get in the car as a huddle of Arabs standing outside the exit eyed them suspiciously. They got to have all the adventures while we just got to stand outside of Mitzpeh Yericho trying to figure out how to get to Meron and ended up in Tzfat in the interim. Everything after that had no sense. Rivkah decided we should go to Amukah (the grave site of Rabbi Yonatan Ben Uzzial) because they say that by praying there you can get married in a year all for the low price of $9.99 (tax not included.) Rivkah wanted to impress her Charadi mother who thinks its appalling she's not married and 22. We ended up catching a hitch on a bus packed with Sephardi people on tour who were very proud to share a ride with someone who volunteered to go to the army and Rivkah who had moved here to Israel on her own volition. Either way, they offered us a ride back but there was the obvious catch of a time constraint. Rivkah managed to miss that fact of the deal and as she walked outside of the grave site the bus pulled away. Akiva and Chloe had by this point disappeared. A nice young woman gave us a ride to Rosh Pinna and as we got out of the car a hippy sitting by the side of the road asked us to help him light Hanukkah candles. Rivkah knew all words to those ridiculous and wacky Jewish Hanukkah songs and gladly sang them all and he, our fellow hippy invited us, all four of us, back to his apartment for the night when he found out we were camped out in cold Tzfat. Akiva and Chloe at this point were bouncing around the country to Meron to visit the grave site of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai while Rivkah and I made a pit stop for Sufganiyot and back to Tzfat to make dinner. By the time Akiva and Chloe showed up we managed to be well on our way to where this guy lived out in the middle of nowhere on a place called Sde Eliezer. A real hippy is also a tea snob so he made us tea specially mixed and brewed served with a side of nuts and company. Nice guy, he even made us breakfast of granola, salad and scrambled eggs and then sent us on our merry way to see the fields of birds at HaChula. There is a migrating pattern up from around turkey down to Israel of over 5 million birds which pass by yearly and this was the height of the season. According to the nice fact sign they had posted the farmers in the area serve the birds 3 tons of corn, daily, so that they don't eat all the crops in the surrounding area. From there, we all managed to wind up in Kiryat Shemonah, one of the most northern cities in Israel and stopped for Sufganiyot because at this point everywhere we stopped we simply had to get Sufganiyot to taste the local fare and compare across the country and how each stood. It took a trip to Kiryat Shemonah to realize the best Sufganiyot is still in Jerusalem but it was worth every second to find out. Rivkah and Chloe had had enough and we said goodbye and dropped them off at the bus stop. As soon as they left Akiva and I thought of the craziest thing we could do and jumped at the opportunity; We slept outside the grave site of Abiyah and Rova (The last two great sages from the Talmud. We made sure it was all kosher by calling Akiva's Rabbi at Aish Hatorah.) I might just include that the view from the grave site is simply stunning. One can see all the way to the highest mountain in Israel, the Chermon, all the way down to the Kinneret on a nice and clear day and the fact that they are buried in a trippy cave and we lit candles to make it spooky while we slept. From there, we managed to make our way back to Tzfat and I got on the bus to Jerusalem, ended up in some random place in Nachlaot playing drunken draidle like a good Jewish boy. From there I woke up the next morning fending off a hangover and while trying to deal with my bank and other such nonsense. Stayed in Jerusalem til the weekend was over and made it back to Sederot sometime on Sunday. Since then I've been sick and only now getting better. The End.

I Think My Life is Surreal.

2006-12-14T16:02:00.000+02:00

Its so hard sometimes to find exactly what you're looking for. I feel like I should just take out an ad in the dating section of a local newspaper. Wanted: One crazy girl. Needed for a hitchhiking race across Israel during Hanukkah. Teams are guy and girl together and we're missing a final girl for a team. Does not need to speak Hebrew, just to come along for the adventure. Please call 052~. Anyone interested?

Ching Chong Cho.

2006-12-11T18:01:00.000+02:00

Saturday night, I found myself on Ben Yehudah to meet up with a friend who is leaving the country in three days. Israel is a crazy place, that while it may be the center of the Jewish world, but its also a subway stop for many people coming and going. I'm sure I'll see him again but It was nice to hang out with him one last time for a long while. Either way, I found myself on one of the center main streets of Jerusalem for one night of my life. I should just preface that Jerusalem is not just any other city in the world, It is exactly what people make of it inside their heads. Thusly, sometimes the strangest spectacles happen on one of the main thruways of Jerusalem, and in particular on a Saturday night when all the wacky multitudes like to come out and play. I especially happen to like the random Chinese people that are always found near the top of the street caroling around and serenading the common folk of Jerusalem with music that's just slightly off pitch to the western ear. It almost never fails to amuse me that these people would bother, perfectly normal people, to take the time out of the day and sing to those citizens that have no idea what their saying and couldn't reproduce their noise even if they tried. But let's let bygones be bygones... and move onto the juicy tidbits. Saturday night while passing through, I noticed a woman in the crowd who was singing along as if she knew all the words but didn't seem like part of the group. I casually walked over and asked in Hebrew if she could reasonably provide a translation. Well for one, it turns out this group, was a group of Christians, but better then that, they were a group of messianic Christians. They felt the need to pray to and praise the Jewish people because according to their belief, their messiah would only come once all Jews are back in the holy land so that a massive end of days war can commence with us stuck in the middle. Yay for the christian god! I felt good about myself after that. I was important to these people and needed for a purpose. No, seriously, I looked at her, and had no response; I just nodded. I like how my friend commented and said "No one really likes them, but they like us. And that's all that matters in the end" Really, They were very admirable about giving back to the Jewish people what they felt we needed. I bet they advertised these trips by telling them that they will do some singing in the center of Jerusalem for the benefit of all those that want it. Perhaps that's false advertising, but they were really getting into it.

Summer Memories

2006-11-25T22:58:00.000+02:00

Let me preface this story by giving you a little background detail. While Yoni and I were on the kibbutz this past summer we discovered a primitive vent over his door. As the first two pictures clearly illustrate, I'm enjoying exploring the cavernous expanse hidden back there. As for the last picture, Yoni and I decided on one of his roommate's last days to camp out in the vent and scare the living daylights out of him. Yoni worked in the BioLab so he managed to procure several face masks to help for effect. We jumped down from the vent and terrorized him so badly he nearly wet his pants. Needless to say, the plan worked beautifully. His roommate slept with one eye open for at least a week.

Wax on, wax off.

2006-11-15T19:39:00.000+02:00

Oh, I love the little ironies of life. For five years the Arabs have been sending kassams at Sederot with the intention of killing Jews and five people have died in all that time. Today someone was killed and her name was Fatima Slutzker. Why is that important? Because with a name like Fatima, however nice a name that sounds, she's most likely Arab. (that goes without saying that a last name like Slutzker, probably puts her in the minority status of Russian (or married to one,) of which there are quite a few here in Sederot.) Not only that but Amir Peretz's (our defense minister who lives in Sederot and hasn't learned anything from living here) bodyguard was wounded today by a kassam. Even better still just a few minutes ago two kassams hit meters from the police station and badly wounded two people. If that's any indication of the ineffectiveness of our government protecting It's citizens in It's backyard, I don't know what is.

Balloons

2006-11-15T13:47:00.002+02:00

Good news everybody. I discovered I can post from my cell. (they really have gotten pretty advanced; I feel like one of those old people who talk about the good ol' days before any of this newfangled nonsense came and ruined it all). Oh yea on a side note, I think the kassam rockets have become more accurate and deadly. A higher percentage have been landing down the block from where I live with a greater sound on impact. It's not just coincidental. If I get blown up, I promise to make sure all the right people recieve invitations to my funeral (on pink ruffley paper, no less.) Even the penguins will be there and they'll be superbly dressed with tuxedos.

Pravda

2006-11-11T17:58:00.000+02:00

If any lesson could be taken to heart by the communist party, its that if you repeat something enough times, it'll probably end up as truth. In fact if a lie is meant to be believable, a little truth thrown in makes all the other details that less extreme. Spoken out loud by enough hearsayers and suddenly everyone knows this year's latest fashion and tend to repeat it like a motley crew of parrots that they resemble. In fact I realized today (how many of my blog entries start out with those three simple words I realized today..) that prayer is just a simple mantra repetition. Most of the time, I seldom bother to consider its meaning since the words regularly drop from my lips at their specified time. But today while reading the prayer book I realized I was repeating the story of genesis in watered down form; In fact most of our prayers can be traced to some diluted request or belief just in text form. Its like evolution is thrown out the window, Abraham and Moses and King David walked the earth and we all want it to be the way it once was, with a temple and Jewish state in Israel, no room for doubts, if, ands, or buts the moment one enters the synagogue and three times a day we say something to that effect to remind us that it all happened once upon a time: repeating the fundamental concepts to ingrain truth upon our consciousness. Perhaps if we all continually work at saying it together in a mass forum we might end up self hypnotizing the masses to believe that these events did happen in history. It worked for Lenin. He had no problem convincing the people that history worked his way and there was no other truth. He even published a newspaper called Pravda which did a wonderful job helping the masses find safety in written word. Hey if its in writing someone must have done the right research to back the claim. Maybe Jews should get together and publish a book of our history highlighting the events that happened over 3000 years in our past. Who can contradict the history? All other records come in broken stone tablets and pottery shards with little markings that can mean just about anything. Well now, I think I'm getting ahead of myself... Toodles.

Statistical Lunacy

2006-11-02T17:27:00.000+02:00

I suppose yesterday's events should sober up my lifestyle and I should really reconsider what I'm doing for the next four months but... And then there is just that. Most of the time, hearing the alarm for a Kassam doesn't much faze me anymore. These things are inaccurate and aren't likely to cause much damage due to satistical chances of hitting a target dead on. I would hate to say that compared to the Israeli army these things really don't pack nearly the punch we send in return but then likewise we have to take on more of a responsibility to carefully scrutinize our targets while they have the luxury of claiming indifference towards the end results of the rocket's trajectory since they have virtually no control over its fate after its launch. Does that justify their instigation in the first place since since they are inaccurate and my unresponsiveness because so many are fired that to run from them all would be ludicrous? Probably not. Yesterday, I was walking across the street while on the phone with my friend Revital when the alarm went off for the third Kassam attack that day. Whenever I've heard the alarms outside I've always had the sudden urge to find some form of roof so that at the very least I'll feel protected even when its nothing more then a psychological shortcut to safety without doing anything remotely useful. As luck would have it I heard the boom followed closely on the heels of alarm. Surprisingly It sounded awfully close so I decided to follow the ambulance sirens in the aftermath to ascertain its exact location. It wasn't a far walk and I realized only after checking my map later that night, that it had fallen a little over half a kilometer away and I was very familiar with the area where it had hit. Now that certainly wasn't the closest Kassam that hit nearby (that was a block and a half away by the sound of the whistle overhead and the boom afterwards) and certainly won't be the last. However, most of the time I don't even consider the consequences because I try not to think about anything after the boom but this time it becomes a minor curiosity because I know the place. Its like the difference between knowing about the death of one person close by and a plane crash in the Balkans. *shrugs* what next...

Nope

2006-10-26T15:38:00.000+02:00

God gave us the ultimate rubix cube to solve. It all started way back in the day with a wham, bam, thank you ma'am; God showed up in a blitz of thunder and lightening and all hell breaking loose, says a few words. Moses comes down the mountain with a whole lotta No's and this one the guys in the corner are really gonna hate. (Its the age old joke that the Rabbis are so quick to ban things, look what they did to pork! if they knew about cheese burgers back in their day they would've banned those too.) Anyway, God does a few magic tricks, maybe pulls a rabbit out of a hat, and just like that *poof* he's gone and we're stuck cleaning the mess with a bad hangover the next morning. All we have left is to figure out what in God's name he possibly could have wanted from us and there folks is the ultimate puzzle for humanity. Its like at a certain point your patience wears thin of trying to figure the blasted thing out and you just really have to take some aggression out and end up chucking the thing at the wall in the hope that it's gonna meet its maker. (Not a bad idea as far as I'm concerned about the bible, where the bible can go to little book heaven and meet the author in person,) but at some point later on, you always return to the table and start fiddling with the cube in the hopes that maybe now with a little experience and a whole lotta patience you'll finally rise to conquer the Rubix Cube. Folks, lets just say, God is that indescribable little piece of plastic that comes in a few small squares of color and will send most dedicated people to the asylum by their 21'st birthday. The wall is looking mighty tempting right about now...

Tzuriel

2006-10-21T21:53:00.000+02:00

"What went wrong?" she asked me... Well for one, I never made it, nearly got killed in a rain storm, slept out by the gravesite of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, and camped out in a crusader castle on top of a hill overlooking the valley below and an amazing view of the Mediterranean in the distance, hiked from Nahariyah to Tzuriel with 30-40 lbs each on our back and then from Meron to Tzfat, visited all these trippy art galleries in Tzfat, saw Super Jew and made from wax in the candle shop with a big letter Shin on his chest, discovered how good Israeli chocolate puffs go with peanut butter (too bad that idea is copyrighted,) got incredibly lost and finally made it to Sde Eliyahu for Shabbot, and then to top it all off they had an amazing Men's Group leading prayers the same weekend I choose to stay here. They sounded like a real classic Gregorian Choir and I felt like I was in a Church but all very pretty. I guess I never made it from one beach to the other but I had marvelous time nonetheless. That's what went wrong.

Its a Small World After All.

2006-10-15T16:52:00.000+02:00

This week has been a real trip. After arriving back from Eilat and getting a hitch to Rishon L'tzion I spent an exhausted night drawing Klezmer Musicians on my friends wall and then bounced to Jerusalem to the old city for the weekend. In the best of times the old city is a crazy place, in the worst of times the festivities increase tenfold. This weekend, being a Jewish Holiday was no exception and my friend Akiva and I spent Friday night prayers at the Kotel. Insanely we got invited out to a Friday night meal by a man wearing a cape and who would say no to that sorta adventure? After taking an hour to make the ritual blessing on the wine and pass around all the herbs he felt we needed to smell to enhance our Shabbot, we had a ridiculously awesome meal and walked over to my friend's apartment near the shuk 20 minutes from the old city. On our way back of course we had to stop at Kikar Tzion and spend some time with a few people who had set up a table with some light refreshments and singing Shabbot songs in the most unlikely of places. I'm really not sure where I'm going with this, but for now, this week has just begun.

Traveling

2006-10-13T01:18:00.000+02:00

In the past three days I've hitchhiked across 600 Kilometers of Israel. I feel that's some form of accomplishment and next stop is having a race to see who can do it faster. Although, I did stop and camp out and enjoy the Dead Sea, Ein Gedi and Eilat, I suppose I could hitch across Israel within a day. All I need is to find a few daring people willing to take the time out and compete.

The Head in my Fridge.

2006-10-03T11:58:00.000+02:00

This is Larry. He pissed me off one day and found himself in my fridge. Don't worry, He's perfectly comfortable there, at least for the moment. It gets a bit nippy during the winter but he's promised to be good and weather it out.

Thoughts on Yom Kippur

2006-10-03T10:38:00.000+02:00

Is it a sin that during prayers all I could think about was my future cookbook for Jewish Holidays? Granted the highlight section may have to be the chapter of Yom Kippur specials to emphasize the mood of the day but I'm sure it won't be filled with much more nonsense then any other great best seller out there and, if I'm lucky, may do as well on the international market too.

Souless in Jerusalem

2006-09-22T10:59:00.000+03:00

Its official, I now have my dog tags. All I had to do was give my fingerprints, dental records, DNA sample and bare my arm to receive my dutiful number of shots. Its still a little sore where they pricked me; All this for a measly set of dog tags. At the very least they compensated me and gave me a nifty little card that lets me ride the train for free and I can't pay more then 9.20 shekel (2 dollars) for the bus, no matter how far the distance.

I opened a bank account the other day. Granted my Hebrew has improved but the contract I signed was lengthy and intricate. I didn't have the patience to read the stack of material put before me and told to sign. Somewhere in that whole mess, I was sure I signed my soul away to a bank in Jerusalem...

Current Affairs

2006-09-15T17:15:00.000+03:00

For once in my life I've given thought to being serious with a lack of material in which to post. Life could be termed unmoving, or unchanging at the moment. I'm back where I started last semester and I've been moved to a new dorm. Last semester the guys in my room would listen to the radio for music ando occasionally I'd catch the news in Hebrew and notice what was going on in my little corner of the globe. This semester most of the guys plug their MP3 players into speakers and just blast some random Israeli music throughout. Suffice to say, I've become essentially clueles with lack of internet or common concern and hardly the time or the will to read the daily paper in Hebrew which is the only option around Israelis. I've found it somehow calming. Every time I bring myself up to date on current affairs I feel silently powerless to effect great events mangled by inept politicians; Its only frustrating and I suppose as the new year is close at hand I can rightly look forward with some ignorance and peace of mind due to frightening reality that I am blind. At the very least, I will do my best to enjoy the new year and hope that others will find some measure of peace as this one draws to a close. It may only be a new beginning.

Cut

2006-08-24T16:39:00.000+03:00

A few thoughts of the day... Probably not a good idea to read any further.

I've decided that being inside my head is a trip. I should probably start charging admission.

I'm willing to bet that we will have elections in six months in this country. I'm so excited I don't have a vote so no one can hold me responsible for the horrendous governments in power.

I think the Arabs believe the answer to any problem means killing someone.

Teacher: Now Moshe, please tell me in what year the state of Israel was formed?
Moshe: 1948?
Achmad rises in the back of the class, pulls out a handgun, and shoots Moshe.

Border Control

2006-08-13T23:26:00.000+03:00

While reading over current UN resolution on Lebanon, I came across this gem...

"8. Calls for Israel and Lebanon to support a permanent ceasefire and a long-term solution based on the following principles and elements....
~ No foreign forces in Lebanon without the consent of its government"

Now lets talk practicality for a moment... Suppose for a moment that Lebanon decided that it was tired of the foreign troops stationed on its soil.. Within the bounds of this resolution it could easily argue a case for chasing them out of the country which would naturally put Israel in a bit of a bind because it would have no way to enforce peace on its northern border. Israel would of course have to reinvade but since Lebanon would have the right to refuse all forces from entering its sovereignty, I imagine a future Monty Pythonesque moment with Israeli troops lining up at the border standing in line to get their passports stamped in order to join the war effort on the front.

Border Guard: Hello sir, how are you today?
Israeli Soldier: Doing alright, how's the war going on in there?
BG: It doesn't look pretty, but you'll be alright if you keep your head down and your socks clean
*BG quickly checks his passport to make sure all is in order*
BG: So would you like the three month visa or will you be staying the entire year?
IS: Oh I was just coming in for a quick trip, don't give me more then a weeks notice. I hope not to be even that long.
BG: Better make it three months then.
*Hands back stamped passport*
BG: Better check out Beirut before its all rubble. I hear the weather is lovely this time of year. NEXT!

A Few Good Men

2006-08-13T15:42:00.000+03:00

An interesting question was posed the other day to me about the IDF. In Israel and especially outside of the country many Jews regard the IDF exactly as what it stands for, Israeli Defense Force. They are the men and women responsible for protecting the lives of Jews in Israel and the Diaspora to the best of their ability. Now lets consider a case in point; your typical average foot soldier who goes through his training and ends up guarding a nice peaceful village out in the middle of nowhere somewhere up north about 12-15 kilometers from Jenin for a few months of his service. Lets even name him Shamir for the sake of giving him reality. His sleepily little village is made up of the usual suspects of settlers and religious Israelis who enjoy close enough proximity to a large Arab village but far enough not to consider it a danger. They aren't too far from the borders of what is considered the west bank but stay relatively on the right side so as not to get in anyone's way. On this village live a husband and wife recently married named Isaac and Rivkah (they only got married because they realized their biblical names coincided perfectly and felt very religious about it.) On any typical day Rivkah can be found driving to work through a route that comes close to what's considered the edge of an Arab village. One sunny day in the middle of summer, Rivkah is shot dead while driving peacefuly along her road. Achmad, the neighborhood fanatical Muslim, got a little frisky and decided he hadn't killed anyone in a while and decided to take a few pot shots at Rivkah to prove how serious he is about getting back "his" land. Isaac naturally wants revenge and is gearing up to take his shot gun and head down to the Arab village to find who is responsible and take vengence. (Now I know this sounds a little peachy and I'm probably making too light of a serious issue but please bare with me while I finish my example.) Shamir now has a problem; He is responsible for keeping the peace as his training has taught him. That obviously covers protecting the Jewish village from harm should Arabs outright attack. But that command also covers a more sinister aspect of his training; Keeping the peace also means not causing a wider war to spark due to Isaac going out to the Arab village and murdering whoever is responsible. He is responsible for making that call to the IDF so that they can come arrest Isaac before he does anything drastic. Now this is not just a case in point, this is an actual scenario that has happened more then one time in our recent history. The IDF as well as being a force that protects the Jewish people is also a tool of our politicians. How does that translate into real life? Simply that they are responsible for keeping the peace between Arab and Jew so that no Jew may take revenge for a killing by Arabs that have no counterpart police force to enforce the same law. A bit twisted...

Perhaps now that the war is officially over its fair to judge the IDF for their heroism and lack of thereof in higher circles. Granted that there were numerous acts of bravery and extraordinary ability put to use in this last war, there was as well some amount of stupidity that reveals a few gaping holes in the IDF hierarchy. Last week, there was a day when 15 soldiers were killed in an ambush guarding a convoy. At the time it was one of the bloodiest attacks of the war. This wasn't no ordinary attack because nearly all the deaths were reserve soldiers. Now what makes a reserve soldier different from a regular soldier? The classic text book definition is that they are called up once a year away from their work and family to continue their service in the IDF wherever they are needed. The IDF generally shoulders this "vacation time" taken by these men and women by paying out around their regular work salary while they are in uniform. In the past few years, with budget cuts to the IDF, this has become an expensive practice and they have naturally cut back the number of reserve soldiers serving at the front or for that matter any amount of time in uniform. Many people are quite happy to serve in the reserves simply as a matter of status to know they are still donating something back to their country and when the order came to serve in Lebanon, few opted out of some of the more difficult positions when offered. But there is a catch to this recent war; the government is wary of using these reserve soldiers for difficult missions because they usually are older and have begun to establish roots, even families. The army is loath to use these soldiers for what they were trained to do because putting them in danger means explaining to the families why daddy didn't come home. That does sound quite noble in principal but lets talk about this case in point for a moment. These men who were assigned to guard this convoy were assigned precisely because it was considered a low danger situation and very likely that they would see their families again once the fighting was over. Now that very basic assumption is false. Obviously in guerilla warfare the object of fighting is to inflict as much damage as possible with as little threat as possible. Hitting supply lines are the most likely choice for cutting off support to an army and weakening their morale, hence these soldiers were in more danger not less by their mission status. Added to the fact that many of men were put in a position where they really had no idea what they were doing, several of them possessing advanced training for other areas of combat, it was a general waste of good men. There is a real lack of understanding in Israeli society how much the army is a tool of the politicians rather then a separate entity that understands how and when it must work to achieve its ends. Bad choices are made based on the political principals governing its ability to function. Instead of acting as an army should with full rights to do and act as it sees fit to solve a problem, its hampered by the political echelon which chains it to its agenda however wrong or right it may be...

I Might Consider It

2006-08-11T14:56:00.000+03:00

Kudos to the Terrorists!! Hooray for the Anarchist Cookbook!! Some Idiot out there has clearly translated the holy book into Arabic. Its about bloody time! Now everyone knows how to make bombs from common household materials. What a coup de grace. I suppose even I could make a homemade bomb from the free alcohol delivered on plane trips. Doesn't take much knowhow anyway. Probably wouldn't because I want to get home next time I go flying but in case I don't ever want to go home.... I might consider it.

Pictures from the Kibbutz

2006-08-11T00:56:00.000+03:00

Here are some pictures of me on the Kibbutz. The first picture is Raphael, from France, and myself by the spring having a good time right after work. The second is Igor and I standing in this area I've conveniently nicknamed Sherwood Forest.

Developments Forthcoming.

2006-08-08T20:50:00.000+03:00

We milked a goat today. In other news, one of the goats came up to me and started rubbing his head on my leg near my crotch. After being told it was a sign of affection I tried to slowly back away as if nothing had happened. Goats milk taste faintly like oatmeal and is very thick. I'd like to try and make some cheese. If that doesn't work out maybe we'll dance naked and sacrifice the goat instead. Developments forthcoming.

God Bless America

2006-08-06T17:39:00.000+03:00

Once again, yours truly has sunk to a new low. I'm the dumb Mexican that crosses the border searching for opportunity in the land of the free and plentiful and gets stuck working in some back room washing dishes for less then minimum wage under the table. For the next three weeks I've volunteered to work at a Kibbutz up north doing what everyone's favorite Latin American does for a living. God Bless America. I should probably start working on my Spanish accent.

Trailer Trash

2006-07-24T00:55:00.000+03:00

Temporary housing solution: Trailer park. Low Income white community living in aforementioned: Trailer trash. White community with high ratio of guns per household: Redneck. Interracial tensions between community and darker skinned personages: KKK. Consider now the following; In Israel, the common solution to housing of individuals for purposes of settlements is little better then a row of caravans carted and placed on the ground with intent to live there. In fact in my school to solve the situation of accommodation, many of these so-called caravans are a part of the structure of my campus. That makes my school a trailer park. Since we are all poor students, and we definitely fit into the range of Low Income Communities that makes me trailer trash. And since many of us will enter the army and receive weapons which at certain points we will be packing heat on school grounds that makes us rednecks. All we are missing is the local Chapter of the KKK and a Grand Dragon to lead us. Since Naturally I am one of the whitest members of my class since my class is made up of 80%-90% Jews descendant from Middle Eastern Countries, I will naturally nominate myself as head chairman a.k.a. Grand Dragon of the Newly formed KKK chapter in Sederot. Given that there are no dissenting voices, that will only make my ascension to power easier. Now all we need is a lynching party to carry my orders and we are open for business.

Opiating the Masses

2006-07-18T15:52:00.000+03:00

I wasn't a terribly hardworking student in High School and somehow that now matters very little, but if there was anything I got out of my Senior year Literature class it was something my English teacher told the entire class that really stuck; "you know you're and English grad student when you can read phallic symbolism into everything." She related a narrative when she was a student, they would sit around a round table racking their brains to see who could find the phallus first in piece of literature completely devoid of any sexual connotation. Amusing as this was at the time, I could recognize the nonsense of reading too deeply into any form of text. Its as if the bias is formed before the material has a chance to speak for itself. Of course the game itself is fun to prove how ludicrous teaching theory can be at times but nonetheless that's a decent par to judge a solid grad student from an unimaginative one. At what point can one argue one is reading too much material into a text? Anyone engaged in the activity of analyzing a text may at any point be over stepping their boundaries of assigning material to a text which doesn't really read that way. Its certainly a constant challenge to draw on a text to prove a point especially when one has an an aforementioned bias to consider. Quoting a text out of context can easily prove anyone's point and graver a sin if multiple texts are involved in opiating the masses. That's why on occasion I sit in class and I wonder to myself, not that I'm accusing anyone of this sin, when a rabbi puts together a lecture, from what angle does he begin his preparations? Does he search the text to prove his message or does he genuinely know that the message is implied in all the texts out there. Sometimes it seems too easy when there is so much material to draw from at what point is there genuinely one message that you can prove.

The Clown of the Kenesset.

2006-06-24T21:54:00.000+03:00

With the votes just in, its time to draw comparisons between a leading figure in Israeli politics and its American counterpart scenario. Amir Peretz: a Moroccan by birth who has become the brunt of the jokes of Israeli standup; Owing to his doubtful hold on the pulse of the street and the feel of the political landscape, his declining Labor party failed to capture a large portion of the vote which they fancied they might have a chance at taking. However due to the quirkiness of the parliament negotiations Amir Peretz has somehow managed to gain the position of Ministry of Security. The equivalent position in the United States would be Secretary of Defense. What makes this all a grand joke to most Israelis is for years the Labor has been promoting an agenda of tolerance with our next door neighbors the Arabs; Precisely at the same time as Hamas gains power in Gaza and the West Bank, which reveals to many Israelis that we have no real peace partner for negotiations, we appoint a man in charge who literally breathes and thinks in air filled with mythical peace overtures. What makes this even more preposterous is a recent fact only recently discovered by yours truly. For as truth is even stranger then fiction, Amir Peretz grew up in Sederot. Sederot is none other then a legitimate city in Israel proper whose very existence seems to be a blot in the eyes of Arabs residing in Gaza. (see recent bloggage for information about Kassams and their desire to wipe Sederot off the map.) One would expect someone who lives in Sederot to realize that even if the Arabs cry peace with one side of the mouth, they still harbor these men and woman in their midst within civilian populations to protect these so called "freedom fighters" from the IDF instead of castigating them as they rightly should. If these men and woman had the chance they would launch their Kassams further into Israel. For example, despite the truce the Hamas claimed not to be involved with the launching of Kassams for an interval of possible peace after the disengagement from Gaza, there were still Kassams being launched at Israel daily, with a few falling onto Sederot. And the Men and Women of Sederot have had enough; there have been protests and demonstrations to prove how serious they are. This is their home and they want it safe. Last week, even, there was a sit down protest outside the house of Amir Peretz. People would come and go constantly but there would always be about twenty to thirty men or women sitting, chatting, or resting, outside his house. Friday night they held the classic Friday night prayer service outside and quite a number of people attended. But I have to admit the surprise of the night was when all was said and done at the end of the service, Amir Peretz made a fashionably late appearance. Naturally one would assume that if George W. Bush made an face to face appearance in a bastion of Liberal Orthodoxy, people of all sorts would flock to show their animosity towards his rightist viewpoint. Quite the opposite spectacle greeted my eyes; People were genuinely happy to see him as if he was an old brother. They surrounded him to hear his words. He made a brief speech about winning the war on terrorism, shook a few hands and left. Bewildered at first, I later asked my roommate about the whole situation. He told me that these people living here are proud for his political position and leverage but hate his policies. It is like the brother who manages to feed his family through unsavory means. They grew up with him and know him intimately but must protest to prove that even they wish for long overdue security. It as if a farce is being played out in my living room by actors who all know their roles but as the curtain comes down, backstage becomes a whole different world. Living in Israel is an insane comedy of absurd politics.

A Funny Quirk in Language

2006-05-24T14:23:00.000+03:00

Yesterday my friend Yoel pointed out an intriguing fact. To many who are unaware, there is no "P" sound in the Arabian Dialect likewise as there is no "Th" in Hebrew. When the time comes for an Israeli to pronounce "the" he or she usually is at quite a loss at how to do so. Comparably, although the Arabs constantly complain that they have been kicked out of "Palestine" which by right should've been theirs, somehow that complaint is sure to fall on deaf ears once one realizes that the Arabs can't even pronounce Palestine properly.

Whimsy

2006-05-21T03:51:00.000+03:00

An oft repeated cliche of Jewish humor begins with two Jews settling in a town somewhere in the old shtetl world of Europe. One Jew builds a synagogue in which to praise his god as only he sees fit; the other builds next door an exact replica for himself to praise his god as only a good Jew can; they both collaborate on a joint effort to build a third one in which neither will ever step foot into. Friday morning, my friend Pinny and I were walking home in Jerusalem at five A.M. after a long night. Oddly enough there were Jews awake praying as surprises can only come; There is an old tradition of greeting the daybreak with the prayers subscribed for the morning. Of course being sensible, I would never be caught up at that hour since I, like most of my great loves, could never pass up on extra sleep when granted. Now, I should mention that part of the natural law of Jewish prayer is that at certain points, one requires a quorum of ten men to enable the leader to say the proper litany. Thus being said, while walking early morn, an older man stopped us on the street and requested our presence inside so that they may continue their prayers. Surely wishing to help a passing Jew, Pinny and I entered into the place of worship to enable them to say the Kaddish and continue onwards. Immediately afterwards we walked out knowing that it was only ten minutes away from our comfy beds at my friend's apartment. Not even two minutes out the door or two houses down the road, another old man stopped us and escorted us inside his place of worship to enable their group to say the ritual Kaddish so they may as well continue onwards. Bewildering as this may seem to anyone not Jewish, I almost didn't think a second thought about it until I realized how right Jewish Humor holds its whimsy.

Give the Devil His Due

2006-05-15T13:20:00.000+03:00

A thought occurred to me the other day about all those nut jobs out on street corners proclaiming the Messiah is coming. Now if you think this is going to be just another rant about how insanely retarded one has to be to stand for years on a street corner proclaiming your belief, you're dead wrong. This is about appreciation. Consider for a moment, at one point I'm sure the prophets of the bible likewise must've had to endure the very same thing. People all around moaning that Ezekiel was at it again with his prophecies of doom. I'm sure he must've had to tolerate the masses rolling their eyes when he held up his place-card declaring the end is near. Certainly no one gave him a second thought to his "dry bones" interpretation of the future. "It all sounds like a bad acid trip," one ancient Hebrew must've remarked. "He couldn't be seriously trying to scare us?" another would respond. "and what's with all this nonsense about God and his loathing for us serving false gods. Its hard enough just to make a living so it certainly doesn't hurt loading the dice a little by sacrificing to another deity every now and again." I'm sure no one was more surprised when his prophecy came true then Ezekiel himself. "For once the crazy man was right," he must've mumbled to himself after all was said and done. And if it weren't for them we wouldn't have such stirring books in the bible of fire and brimstone for our pleasure and enjoyment. So give the Devil his due, those talented and admirable young men and women locked away in padded rooms and hug me jackets might one day turn out to be right. Those awkward souls holding cardboard signs warning of impending catastrophe must be exalted before all others for only they know the truth; the world is coming to an end.

Energizer Bunny

2006-05-06T21:33:00.000+03:00

Friday was my first, and certainly not my last, Kassam attack since arriving at Sederot. I have to admit the prospect, while normally would scare most people silly, had me terribly excited. In the back of my mind I know that is wrong but growing up in an American culture where war is viewed, if it is viewed at all, through the lens of romanticism of Hollywood, its quite hard to view it any differently. Naturally, the thought of becoming a hero, if something were to happen, inspires me. Although I still doubt its wise choice to tempt fate. However being what it is, the Kassams fell outside the city limits and luckily no one was hurt. Typically, when a Kassam is detected having been launched from Gaza, there is an alarm sounded throughout the city which warns of the impending missile. When I heard the alarm, all the Israelis around me turned and asked if I was afraid as an American to come to Sederot. Somehow though, the thought hardly bothered me even though before coming here I knew what that implied. In response, to this and recent attacks, the Israelis have been stepping up their response since Hamas has taken power in Gaza. Hamas, unlike the previous PA governments, has no remorse for their actions, or better yet have still not learned the double speak of Orwellian politics that exist on the negotiation table of Palestinians and Israelis. Thus, over the weekend the IAF bombed parts of the strip where the Kassams are frequently launched. Even still outside my window I can hear the mortar rounds being fired by the IDF. I suppose the frequent boom of energizer bunny proportions in the distance might continue on throughout the night. According to the Jerusalem Post there have been two or three people wounded and one farmer killed by the Israeli retort but I must admit that an indiscriminate missile known as a Kassam certainly is much different then a guided bomb that clearly are known to fall on open areas of the Gaza where the Kassams are frequently launched. Either way, its an act of war to launch a missile at a sovereign nation and that is what I stand by.

A Letter to the Masses.

2006-05-02T23:47:00.000+03:00

Dear Reader,

Regretfully I have changed programs. Due to a minor mishap, namely army, I no longer am able to stay in my old program. Strange as that may seem, I find myself exhilarated and enjoying my adventure immensely. A few words, perhaps to describe the environment I find myself now: Warm, caring, and as different as possible. Culturally, the Jews that inhabit my new program are mostly from countries of Arabic influence. In Jewish terms that means, Sephardi. One of my morning learning partners speaks Hebrew with an accent that is distinctly Taimani. Its hard enough speaking a language all day that isn't my native tongue, but even harder to follow an accent that sounds almost nothing like the language I've grown to love(?). Also, the program is located in a area that could only be titled southern Israel. As vague as this sounds, the south has a distinct flavor of being mostly development towns. Israel continually attempts to encourage development in these areas to create industry and create a hold on the land away from the center. When Israel enveloped many of the Russians into its folds, it encouraged them to live in this town of Sederot and many others like it such as Mitzpeh Rimon. Oddly as that sounds it is a collection of Russian and religious settler type living together right next to Gaza. For the gentle reader, I strongly advise the abeyance and cessation of the reading of this publication. Don't say I didn't warn you... Point being, Gaza is right next door. Sederot happens to be within range of the barrage of Kassam rockets launched by Hamas to indiscriminately kill Jews in Israel. Somehow I get the impression that I'm tempting death by choosing this area specifically to live. But like I've told many people before... "You can have my stuff if I die." Although, that does put me in a bit of a bind since multiple people now have claim of ownership. But since I'll be dead, I guess it won't matter one bit either way... I'm happy there and that's all that matters, right?

A Modest Proposal

2006-04-26T17:08:00.000+03:00

At a dinner table about a week and a half ago, I met rather interesting young woman. She lives in Jerusalem and like all good Americans that want to live in this righteous city without a plan, she works for IDT. For those that are clueless, IDT is Israel's answer to outsourcing. In a rather modern building located in the heart of Jerusalem, people daily work there to sell products over VoIP phone lines to American stooges willing to pass up a buck. Their classic recruitment poster heads "Live in Israel, Work in English" as if that is the quid pro quo of living in a Jewish state. Regardless of her working conditions though, we had a delightful chat about the beef on the table. Vegetarianism is a sin. I love meat. The taste, the texture, the aroma is simply divine. God made cattle for us to eat and I intend to enjoy every minute of his blessing. That having been stated, she protested that she loved animals. I asked her what type. Without really thinking she told me she was a dog person. I couldn't let that go at face value and had to ask the rather mundane question of why. Her answer was a bit perplexing to my ears as she told me that they were cute, cuddly and furry. So naturally, I challenged her bold faced statement about animals and asked if she'd mind petting a furry caterpillar. Clearly confounded she admitted to charges of animal bigotry which are quite serious in my book and the more I come to think of it, are quite upsetting to anyone who cares deeply about animals. A friend of mine showed me the other day an article about the intelligence of pigs. Pigs are believed to be more intelligent then the family dog. Yet, humans thoughtlessly eat pigs and cattle as if they are no more then just a side of beef. We tend to forget the element of intelligence in that lamb chop sitting on our plate. This is the crime of animal bigotry. The family dog is given a place of honor among our society while the cow is slaughtered indiscriminately and hung to dry like a common vegetable basking in the sun. I make a move to rectify this fault. There needs to be an end to Animal Bigotry. The familiar household pet no longer should be given preferential status. I make a motion that we should eat the family dog. I imagine it will taste quite good with a sautéed garlic sauce and a little mash potatoes. Certainly it has plenty of meat on its bones due to those who over feed their household pet. It will make a nice succulent roast for Christmas and any other holiday on the calendar. The Dog must go. One way or another, we will prove to the world that we do not discriminate against animals and fairly treat them equally as they should be. Thusly, I rest my case.

Its A Long Shiny Thing

2006-04-25T13:58:00.000+03:00

So I got a little creative over my Passover vacation. This is the Mezuzah I made for my friend Sholly. For those readers who are quite clueless about anything Jewish, a Mezuzah is a piece of parchment with several verses from the Bible written in classical Hebrew text. The object is then placed on the right hand side of the door frame in the house as a type of good luck charm, so to speak, or an amulet of protection. Naturally to protect the raw parchment from the elements Jews design cases to house the actual Mezuzah. When designing this case, I choose a biblical theme from a verse in Deuteronomy 8: 8. There it remarks that the land of Israel will be filled with seven species of produce particularly inclined to grow in this climate: Wheat, Barley, Grapes, Figs, Pomegranates, Olives, and Dates.

Ghetto Car Wash

2006-04-11T23:42:00.000+03:00

This post is a bit delayed in its initiation. For those who aren't Jewish and read my blog, Jews have a funny holiday called Passover where we aren't allowed to have any yeast or leavened products. It's practically considered an infection and Jews have a funny habit of eradicating any and all last bits from their places of residence. I hope this holiday sounds to you like a Obsessive-Compulsive's worst nightmare, because it certainly turns out that way. Every last crumb that has holed up in pockets of resistance needs purging. Thy Devil appearing in the form of cake, cookies and bread needs exoneration. The dust mites scram for shelter at the onslaught of brooms and vacuums invading their abodes. All in all, things must be cleaned and Mr. Esses offered to Tonny and I the job to clean their two cars. Firstly though, we needed a vacuum. I love the irony that, after walking over to Rabbi Wolicki to borrow a vacuum, he handed me a box with a handheld dust buster coated with a thick layer of dust. Nonetheless, it got most of the job done. For the outside of the car, however, because the Esses live in an apartment building we were without a hose until we hit on the bright idea to use the fire hose nestled next to the electricity box near the bottom of the stairs. I swear if we had turned it up full blast we could’ve easily stripped the paint from the outside of the car. Since we were getting paid for the job we kept it at a gentle trickle. Tonny, being the one in charge of bringing the cleaning supplies from the our apartment to do the car, brought a lemon scented floor cleaner that worked like a charm to clean the car. I felt so ghetto with the props we were given but now of course the car smells lemony fresh…

9 AM Boredom

2006-04-11T11:25:00.000+03:00

This popped into my head this morning and i noticed nothing missing.

The quixotic deaf centipede went bonkers over playing jazz memories

Ehud Olmart

2006-03-25T23:41:00.000+02:00

I apologize in advance to all those who are not Israeli and may have a bit of trouble understanding this joke but the best political slogan I’ve seen so far has got to be “Ehud Olmert, Disengagement made me a vegetable”

Machiavellian Honesty

2006-03-23T23:02:00.000+02:00

A word about Israeli politics: They are vicious, underhanded, and, without a doubt, dirty. Everyone is involved. Israel has one of the highest voter records around the world. True there has always been classic voter cynicism towards the politicians running, and certainly in past instances the choices have been slim but this time I don't think even the jackals would pick over these bones. But this year I think this one is special in some regard. Unlike previous Elections for this tiny country, no clear candidate or party stands for anything worthwhile, and the few that do, also hold stances on issues that are clear contradictions to my principals. Yet, If there is one lesson to be learnt from this year's election I think it could only be learnt from the Kadima party. With the breakdown of the Sharon Government, out of the ashes of his memory, a party formed of the worst and most questionable kind of politicians. Gathered together to continue his work of disengagement and anti-religious bias, Kedima is made up of the politicians no other party would take. The kind that have been indicted and proven criminals and yet they will be one of the most powerful parties if polls prove us right. If this is a lesson to be learnt it's that an honest politician is worth voting for.

Urban Reality

2006-02-17T04:29:00.000+02:00

Today I visited my old Alma Mater freshmen high school in New Haven. I have to admit that not much has changed. I still remember the same hardwood floors and ugly green cushioned chairs lining the hallways. I caught up on the doings of some of the administration and it certainly felt good to sit behind a desk and talk without the stigma of trouble hanging over my head. Afterwards I took a walk around outside. The neighborhood is still predominately black and practically a ghetto to boot. Many of the people who live in that city are poor and making their way from check to check. What has changed though, is Pfizer got smart and opened a Clinical Research Unit in the community. It has all the advantages of lying practically on Yale Medical School's doorstep. Best of all, as the New Haven Register writes "The 62,500-square-foot building at 1 Howe St. will be used for Phase I clinical drug trials, which involve using healthy volunteers to test drugs under development." Now these trials require large groups of people who are willing to sit in a hotel room all day with catered meals and controlled exposure to outside influence: A populace of people who are willing to be paid to sit back and do nothing except take drugs. Certainly I'm not racist but one has to wonder where they are likely to find a group of human guinea pigs willing to take such an action in an urban center such as this one.

What a Whirlwind of an Adventure

2006-02-09T13:35:00.000+02:00

When I walked into the duty free store I thought I had walked into a little slice of heaven: Wall to wall stocks of alcohol, a whole room dedicated to every type of wine from around the world, liquors that even I haven't heard of. I felt like a kid in a candy store; there was just so many choices and so many directions to look. And then I realized even Heaven has a price tag.

The woman next to me on the way to America hardly spoke a word of English. I think we exchanged maybe three or four sentences between the two of us the entire trip. While flying over New York I told her the clouds look like freshly fallen snow; the kind that makes you want to just run outside and make snowballs, snowforts and fight an epic battle to the bitter end. At least she understood me enough to know I was off my rocker and gave a little chuckle at the thought.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

2006-02-04T23:42:00.000+02:00

I'm leaving for America on Wendsday. I'm not sure if i'm supposed to be dreading the thought or looking forward to it. Anyway since I found a cheap ticket on Czech Airways my parents are allowing me to come home. I look forward to sitting in a lawnchair bolted down to the deck of the airplane due to lack of funds for a former soviet country to provide decent transportation.

Classic.

2006-01-24T08:42:00.000+02:00

Lately the electricity in this dorm hasn't been working right. Something to do with the fact that 20 guys are constantly challenging each other to prove who can surpass the other in usage: shavers, radios, computers and anything else that consumes a charge wholeheartedly. After the power went out twice last night I yelled at Sam to wait and not plug things back in right away. As Sam put it so well "There is no way If I plug this in the power will go out..."
*blackout*

Classic.

Elmo

2006-01-12T23:45:00.000+02:00

Today in class I learned that Rabbi Kahn can imitate Kermit the frog, Barney the purple Dinosaur, and many other muppets. If this is what my wonderful tuition money is going towards...

Handles on one's head.

2006-01-09T14:55:00.000+02:00

Today while staring off into space during class I realized that the Hebrew word for the handles of a pot is the same as the ears on one's head. I'm not quite sure what that means to the Israeli Psyche when the only way they relate to ears on one's head are as the handles which are roughly man-handled on any common kitchen pot.

Stumbling in the Night

2006-01-05T03:23:00.000+02:00

Jager Bombers are awesome. Its my new favorite. nuf' said.

Clueless in Las Vegas

2005-12-28T23:10:00.000+02:00

As of yet, I have no shabbot plans for this weekend. I think I might take up Carly's suggestion and find a gutter somewhere. It sounds quite peaceful as long as I don't have to compete for space with some homeless guy.

Food for Thought

2005-12-26T09:08:00.000+02:00

Here's a little question thats deceptively simple.

Is God perfect, or is perfection God?

Freedom Fries

2005-12-20T23:12:00.000+02:00

Over these past few days, in one of the hotels we stayed at while traveling around the Negev, I met a group of French kids taking a holiday with their school for a week during their junior and senior year. In particular, I spoke to a young man who had a dream of coming to Israel to study after finishing high school in France. Obviously, I, not knowing any French and him hardly knowing any English, most of our conversations took place in broken Hebrew. Since it was late at night and I was exhausted, I accidentally slipped into English out of fustration for lack of words. At which point the kid quickly remarked, jokingly, "I'm not speaking your dirty language," and then preceded to help me along with my stumbling Hebrew.

Clawing your way to Death

2005-12-16T00:25:00.000+02:00

Today I was walking around Bet Shemesh with Yoni and we walked into a pizza store for slice or two. In the corner there was a claw machine; the type that you put money in and try to get prizes by maneuvering the claw around to pick up the stupid and cuddly stuffed animal in the bottom of the tank. Anyway, only in Israel do you find cigarette packs as prizes in the bottom of a claw machine for all the good little boys and girls who need to get their daily nicotine fix.

Ode to Dani

2005-12-13T21:25:00.000+02:00

In conversation today.

Dani: The Rabbi's wife was so frum she waited 6 hours between her affairs with the butcher and the milk man.

Aimless wanderings

2005-12-08T18:21:00.001+02:00

Yesterday evening, with some free time on my hands, I walked into a used bookstore to peruse the modest selection of English material. Aimlessly reaching up to the shelf I happened upon the first book that came to hand and opened to any chance page. The first thing that caught my eye was the interesting fact that the sound of a ringing telephone has enough sexual impotence to disarm anyone mid thrust. It then continued on to describe a story of a woman who hated her husband so much for having an affair that she would measure the amount of time it took for him to leave the house and call him right around the most satisfying moment.

Moral of the story: Please turn off all cell phones and pagers to help make this world a happier more blissful place.

Notes on an uneventful life.

2005-11-30T23:09:00.000+02:00

And Roth who never leaves our school left tonight to see his friend Laura, who he told her that he would meet up for dinner. Of course us being the guys we are, gave him a warm send off in all manner with the icing and trimmings about his "date." Later of course, not willing to pass up the opportunity to bother him, we texted him the usual lewd remarks that guys normally only share with each other. Five minutes later, I get a phone call from Laure about how immature I am and how awkward I'm making her life. That definitely made my night.

Absurdities of Language

2005-11-23T11:06:00.000+02:00

The other day, my rabbi pointed out that the root of the the Hebrew word patience (savlanut) is saval which means suffering. As he so eloquently stated, someone waiting to be admitted to the emergency room is certainly not patient and undoubtedly suffering.

Darwin Award Caliber.

2005-11-09T08:46:00.000+02:00

So in other news....

Three Die Playing Catch with a Grenade

What the Hell were these kids thinking?!?

What the Hell were these kids playing?!? Hot Potato?

It was the worst of times etc.

2005-11-08T18:59:00.000+02:00

Its the beginning of the end. First it starts with Bread Riots because the people are hungry. Then the government and police force are sucked in to deal with the revolution. Then someone loses a head or two. And Viola, we have the Sixth French Republic where all people are equal but some being more equal then others, namely Muslim. That is beginning of the French Revolution to conquer all of Europe with the first Muslim Napoleon.... I mean Mohammad. Of course America will have to step in and save France once again from their own stupidity. That made no sense....

...what a way to stick my foot in my mouth...

2005-11-02T09:28:00.000+02:00

So last week my friend Revital sends me a text message to pray for this guy Roy because he was sick. Yesterday the following converstaion took place.

Me: Revi are you still going out with that guy Roy or something like that?
Revital: No, that was Leroy
Me: So who was this Roy guy you wanted me to pray for?
Revital: That was my uncle, but you don't have to pray for him anymore
Me: Phew, thank god, no sweat off my back. That's a load off my mind.
Revital: He died last week....
*awkward silence*

Supreme Law.

2005-10-29T22:33:00.000+02:00

Sometimes the sanest and smartest people are just a tad bit crazy. Over Shabbot (I prefer the more natural transliteration of Shabbot as opposed to the anglicized version of Sabbath) My friend Moe and I went to Ramat Bet Shemesh to visit a family he knew. I had never met this particular family before but its quite common in Israel to visit someone you may or may not know as long as some slight connection of familiarity exists. Israel takes after a more Eastern and Arabian approach of inviting the stranger in as if one was an old friend. On occasion after having had many first time conversations with people in coffee shops, restaurants, or any other streetwide venue, I have been invited to their house for a Shabbot and nothing about that is uncommon. As it were, spending the weekend in a new and exciting environment exposes one to new ideas and people you may have never given a second thought. It has yielded up some supprisingly intense and interesting discussions on topics ranging from anything from the weekly bible portion, to literature, sports, maybe a bit of Jewish mysticism, and a smidget of politics every now and again (a favorite topic among Israelis) . Needless to say, this week was no exception. The father of the house was a man of smaller stature with white hair and a handshake that made an impression. I imagine him fitting in perfectly in the novel The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway. He had the eyes and look of a sea captain memorizing and evaluating the horizon while noticing every tiny point with piercing detail. His Texan accent only helped him create a personality that was both alluring as well as hypnotic. His way of speaking would draw in a person and he would divulge as if only you were worthy. He began with a view of the Bible as the beginning of an adventure of classifying humanity into patterns of understanding and culminating in the Talmud as the key to teaching the logic of people. After a while, with enough time spent on both understanding the bible and the Talmud as logical patterns used to train a system of judges and understanding the psychology of humankind, one could conceivably interpret the bible as simply a constitution necessary to a running of a state. His ideas came full circle when he began to reveal his involvement with the Jews in Israel who are interested in reestablishing the Sanhedrin (the supreme court of Jewish Law) and enacting the Bible as the supreme law of the land. And yet there were a few subtle hints that his ideas were carefully scripted, that this was not the first time he had attempted to give over this idea. While walking to evening prayers after Shabbot I asked him if that being the case there was still a few sticky points about all this in a modern society. I brought up the eternal question that has plagued all religions about what to do about gay people. Did he really feel that gay people needed to be stoned if that should be the outright meaning of the text? He went off on a tangent about interpretation of the texts and how interpretation changes with time but I still felt uncomfortable taking that for an answer because the text itself doesn't lead to much interpretation on this point. If this was the only issue that needed reinterpretation then perhaps I myself would find myself on the side of establishing a central Jewish court system not based on a democracy. But there are many more issues on the table that need to be reexamined and evaluated for a modern day system of Jewish government such as he proposes to exist in reality. Tempting as his ideas may sound or how well of an orator he was, I could not find myself making the leap of faith that he has the right ideas about the direction of a healthy Jewish state.

Donated and written by Tonny who sat in this seat and posted on my blog

2005-10-28T13:52:00.000+02:00

My brother's away message: I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead
Tonny: Your brother is so weird.
Me: That's because he smokes pot and does shrooms, of course he's weird
Roth: No, that's because it runs in the family.
Me: I don't smoke shrooms..... or pot.... anymore.... *eyes darting left and right suspiciously*

Casually Enough

2005-10-21T12:57:00.000+02:00

I meant to write this a while back when it was more relevant but I've been very busy because of the holiday season. Most likely I would've forgotten to post this had it been about anything else but some things just stick inside your mind and you'll never forget those moments. Although like all stories it started casually enough; it began with a few of us in Jerusalem sitting together in the central bus station in the food court, myself, Gila, Tonny, and Adina. Adina and Gila both life in Efrat (which is over the green line) and Tonny is in my school with me. We were sitting eating and talking and laughing. Adina gets a ring on one of her many phones (she's got five of them, don't ask) and she picks up the call. She answered in Hebrew and started talking on the phone. As a small aside, earlier in the day there was a terrorist attack on a hitch-hiking point right outside of Efrat. Hitch-hiking in Israel is fairly common phenomenon especially in the Gush Region and up North in the Golan. Kids, parents, and all sorts of interesting people use these points to catch rides with friendly passing motor vehicles. Even I, on occasion, when the need was dire, have taken a Tremp (as a hitch is called in Israel) to where ever I needed to go. You meet some of the most interesting people on those trips and they sometimes make the most memorable stories. The only fear of taking a Tremp point, if its close to hostile Arab region, is that there is the chance of being kidnapped by an Arab dressed as a Jew and then held for ransom. After a while you gain a feeling for what to look for in license plates, accents, and stickers to prove who is legit and who is not. For the most part near some of the more problematic regions the Israeli army maintains checkpoints to monitor the flow of traffic in case something ever does happen. However, the Terrorist attack that took place was of a different kind and was something new that I've never seen or heard about before. A car carrying a few Arabs drove by and opened fire on the people standing waiting for a hitch. There was no discrimination between men, women or children. Three people were killed and five were injured. I have not yet heard if the Israeli army has caught the Arabs involved. Now flash forward to our dinner time table in the Central Bus Station. As Adina got off the phone, I asked her what the conversation was about because she seemed a bit off for the moment. She said that one of people who was killed earlier that day was the younger sister of one of her best friends. Sometimes when you hear of terrorist attacks you just sort of shrug your shoulders and move on as if it was the sound of the passing wind. If I worried about every incident I hear, I'd become a nervous wreck because each event is a frightening reality. But then its a moment like this when you have to pause and think that the girl next to you just got a call about someone she knew well who just happened to be standing hoping to catch a ride and was gunned down by bunch of twisted people who didn't care one iota who she was except that she was Jewish and standing in a crowd.

All in Day's Work

2005-10-03T14:20:00.000+03:00

They finally finished the putting green at my school. If I had a golf ball and some clubs I could play on it. Enough said.

Swiss Cheese for Stupidity

2005-09-28T18:03:00.000+03:00

The Olympic committee has recently decided to replace all Gold medals with one large round Swiss Cheese due to rising costs of production and gas prices. It has become nearly impossible to match the necessary rate of production for those athletes that require gold medals. As one unnamed official close to the heart of the matter commented "with all these athletes on designer drugs these days we are just are unable to provide all those that are worthy a gold medal and likewise pay our gas bill. If I had the choice I'd choose the gold medal over the gas but the lights in the stadium must stay on to make the crowds happy. They won't even notice the replacement because there still will be something yellow and shiny (and maybe a little smelly) around the neck of those top performing athletes." its a sad sorry state of affairs when a uninational symbol of excellence must now be replaced but necessity dictates a different rule book. I can't wait for the bickering to begin over which country gets to provide the cheese. mmmm... cheese.

Midnight Confessionals

2005-09-27T14:56:00.000+03:00

I'm sorry this blog has gotten mighty lame lately. I guess there just isn't enough excitement in my life to make the heart of a 50 year old man stop mid sentance. Maybe i'll just go find something fun to torture. Untill life picks up the pace a little, the press has stopped all production. Thanks for your time.

Mordy on Procrastination

2005-09-12T20:45:00.000+03:00

"you could sit a chinese guy down with a hebrew dictionary and he still would've done more learning then we've done in the past hour."

Food for Thought

2005-09-04T18:06:00.000+03:00

If I think in hebrew, does that mean my thoughts are backwards?

Swiss Chocolate

2005-08-30T23:39:00.000+03:00

This is my good buddy, Achmad. We had some chillin' times this summer. Interfaith relations could all do the world some good. Now I know that it isn't right to nuke those damn Arabs.

Tel Aviv

2005-08-30T23:32:00.000+03:00

This is me in Tel Aviv. Don't ask too many questions about this night, the answers aren't pretty. Actually I'm conceited, nothing interesting happened that night...

2005-08-25T22:53:00.000+03:00

Today Michel was out sunbathing with no sunscreen while smoking a cigarette. I agree with John that its a cancer commercial waiting to happen. But I guess its ok because he's French.

On the Road

2005-08-21T17:30:00.000+03:00

I think its pretty stupid that English people and Australian people drive on the wrong side of the road. I also think its pretty stupid not to have one's license, cause it might come in handy when the need arises to drive in another country. What's even worse is putting the two together and going out to pick up someone's car without either party knowing the right way to drive in a country with one of the highest rates of automobile accidents a year. I think I need to make a t-shirt that says I just survived all of the above and I'm damn proud for being this stupid.

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

2005-08-10T15:40:00.000+03:00

Forgive the Lateness of this post but I've decided to change nationalities and the sheer magnitude of work involved will take me the better part of a month to do. It isn't just good enough to simply fill out a piece of paper and make a request, it involves who you know and what they know and how they can help you. So while i'm busy calling people and talking and holding meetings and working towards getting what I want and getting it right, you people will have to wait a bit til i'm done.

Bigoted Jews

2005-08-01T23:25:00.000+03:00

Today I had a meeting in Tel Aviv. Of course like all good Israelis, he wasn't on time. No matter, I got to meet a bunch of really cool people hanging out in the lobby also waiting to meet the same man. Even the security guard at the front desk came over to talk to us because we were that cool. Well maybe not that cool, but he definitely was bored and walking around. We ended up having an argument over whether black Jews are really Jewish. Then I called him a racist and everyone laughed. Only in Israel can you find a Jewish racist. What next? A gay Jewish black man? Too late, I've already found that here too but I'll save that for another story.

Field of Gold

2005-07-31T04:13:00.000+03:00

There is nothing more depressing then waking up to find a dead flower inside your vase when it was so vibrantly alive the day before. A dead flower symbolizes the futility of life and its ultimate demise. Now try imagining a full field of dead sunflowers and how unromantic that looks. That's the field that's located right outside my dorm and one of the things I walk by almost every day. Now that's a cheery thought.

Above the Maddening Crowd

2005-07-25T20:59:00.001+03:00

I always thought Israeli bus drivers were crazy but this really tops the cake. Today I saw a bus stopped at a red waiting for the light to turn green. Meanwhile, the bus driver was standing up rooting around to find his lunch in the roof rack inside of the bus. Thank god the bus was devoid of any passengers.

Not Quite Sober

2005-07-24T17:01:00.001+03:00

The hebrew word for bottle is Bokbouk. Somehow the phrase "drinking myself into a bokbouk" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Boredom at Its Best

2005-07-24T15:00:00.000+03:00

Just to let you know, the Yahoo Japanese website comes in all sorts of crazy colors.

Israeli Color War

2005-07-17T17:02:00.000+03:00

I think Israel is slowly deteriorating into a color war. Everywhere you go you see orange flags for pro-Gush Katif (the main settlement they are dismantling in the Gaza) and blue for pro-disengagement. I think we should settle this camp style. We should have races where people do funny things like hop on one foot across a football field, or carry an egg on a spoon or even potato sack races. Whoever scores the most points will win. We can even have special UN judges to choose impartially the winner of the potato sack races and which team screams the loudest to support their teammates. Maybe hopefully we'll have actually done something useful in the end.

The Cuban Dishwasher Who Works for Minimum Wage or Less

2005-07-11T17:07:00.000+03:00

Ever wonder what goes through the minds of those people who come from other countries who work as dishwashers in some no name dinner, or banquet chef's kitchen? They can hardly understand the language. They are constantly being yelled at in a tongue that is foreign. They always get the worst jobs to mop the floor, or wash the dishes. All they know are the three English words, yes, no, and come estas? They are always talking about how they going to save up some money so they can bring over to the states their respective wife/child/goat. Those people deserve more credit than is given to them. Only now I can say I know what goes on in their minds; work sucks.

I Think I'm Here in One Piece

2005-07-10T17:44:00.000+03:00

I'm already on the kibbutz two days and they put me to work. I don't even get any down time. After all the dawdling I spent in Bet Shemesh, I could use a little vacation from procrastination. Today felt like forever. It wasn't the amount of time working. There was an evil man who resides in the kitchen called George who would not speak to me unless it was in Hebrew. My head is so filled with Hebrew nouns and verbs that I'm sure I'll have dreams tonight in a language I neither need nor understand.

Shipping Bodies in a Duffel

2005-07-07T20:11:00.000+03:00

I'm only going on a two hour trip and I have to pack my entire life into a suitcase. I wonder if its supposed to be sad that I can place all my worldly possessions in a few duffel bags. I feel like also packing my body on ice inside one of them, bundling it all together, and shipping it across the country. We'll see which ends out in better care. Knowing the Israelis, they will clearly disregard the "Fragile, Do Not Drop" sign. In case anyone is wondering what this is all about, I'm shipping myself over to Kibbutz Be'erot Yitzchak about 8 kilometers from Petach Tikvah. I doubt I'll have AIM there or any other instant messaging program. Anyone wanting to reach me will have to do so the old fashioned way: email.

Pact with the Devil

2005-07-05T00:48:00.000+03:00

Today I sold my soul to a day-camp. They needed an extra counselor for a week and I had a week off with nothing to do. At least I'm only working one week, I feel bad for the rest of the counselors who will be there for a whole lot longer then me. Suprisingly though, it wasn't that hard to conquer the hearts and minds of sixth and seventh graders. I had them nearly worshipping me by the end of the day. At least this won't do too much permanent damage to my ego.

In other news, 'Oz' Munchkin Celebrates 86th Birthday. How do midgets get things from cabinets that are too high? Are they allowed to go on rollar coasters that you must be "this tall" to ride? Do they need booster seats everytime they go out to eat? (I'm going to get some hate mail about this post.)

Something like It.

2005-07-03T02:38:00.000+03:00

Maybe it was a bad idea allowing Moshe to put a shaving apparatus to my head. Well its too late now. I can feel the wind whipping through the few strands of hair left on my shiny cranium.

Nothing News-Worthy

2005-06-30T14:02:00.000+03:00

I realized that I am living the typical bachelor experience when I opened my fridge this morning to find a hunk of cheese, some preprocessed deli meats (cancer in a package), an Israeli ketchup bottle (cancer in a bottle), a half a bar of chocolate (surgar, the worst of any type of drug), some humus (that might be the only healthy thing in this house), and a half eaten slice of watermelon (I wouldn't even think of touching that, its been around for days). It might be laundry day because my clothes are beyond the point where even I can stand the smell in the corner. The ants in the house were confused this morning; Dan came in and cleaned the counters off. I felt bad for the poor lonely ant I saw wandering around with no crumbs for his breakfast. I perfected a new sport called climbing the walls. I think I've beaten my new record of scaling the ceiling in under a minute.

2 AM Conversation with Carly

2005-06-30T02:19:00.000+03:00

I thought I'd write this down somewhere so that when someone actually writes a memoir of my life they can claim I was once an intelligent fellow. It began as all things do, innocently, and then proceeded to become somewhat heavy handed. We were discussing ego and self and I made claim that the words self-centered are an oxymoron by nature.
The idea of one being self-centred can not be the self centered around itself, as would imply by its literal definition, but rather the self focused on one's bodily needs. To better illustrate, the phrase "I think therefore I am" proves conclusively that the true self can not be the body. When one says "I am" they can not be referring to their physical self, they are referring to the thought processes upon which makeup their sum total of life decisions and experiences. Taken from another angle; If one doubts existence, claiming that all is a figment of imagination and nothing is a true experience, taken to a logical extreme, even imagination is a figment of imagination and can not truly exist. However by nature this is empirically false. Hence the imagination and the "I" does exist and likewise so does reality. The ability to say "I think" is the proof upon which you and reality exists. Likewise then, your true self is not your body but your ability to say "I am."
Being self-centered has typically been defined to be focused entirely on your physical needs and desires. If I label someone as self-centered, it means he has a world view that is focused entirely on the needs and wants of their lifestyle. Needs and wants are typically a part of the physical world and its manifestation. Very rarely does one have a desire for something that is not grounded in the physical world. Only on such things as higher ideals does one have a desire that is not entirely grounded in the physical. For example such ideals as seeing justice being carried out does not necessarily constitute a physical desire (with the possible exception of revenge). However the desires that fall under the category of self-centered very rarely have to do with higher ideals. People who have an ego and have a need for such things as power and fame who typically fall under this category do not commonly by nature also have the need and desire for higher ideals as well.
The idea of one being self-centered is almost exclusively physical. However one's true self, as proved earlier, is not the physical body. Thusly being self-centered is an oxymoronic statement. It is not the self focused on itself like it would be assumed by the literal meaning of that statement, It is the self being subjugated to the physical body and its wants.

The Koran on my shelf

2005-06-26T00:32:00.000+03:00

I think my school is trying to indoctrinate me. Seriously folks, all the books in my dorm either deal with some sort of apocalyptic future or God. Just to list a few titles from the shelves above me: Catch 22, 1984, The Winds of War, Fail Safe, The Battle For God, Immortality, Resurrection and the Age of the Universe, The Paradoxical Ascent to God, Confessions of St. Augustine, Brave New World, The Koran, Jewish Meditation, and Webster's Dictionary. I'm not quite sure if this is some sort of coincidence or perhaps these books were left here deliberately, but it certainly might leave a mark on an impressionable young man with nothing to do and all the time in the world...

Drunk Little Babies

2005-06-25T20:38:00.000+03:00

Ever notice the way babies walk? I could swear they are drunk or something. They are always falling over, wobbly on two legs, and have major ADD issues. I doubt they could even walk a straight line if put to the test. What are parents spiking their kid's bottles with nowadays? Its certainly not apple juice in that bottle. Maybe drunk people are really just reverting back to their infantile stage with a longing for former times..... That's deep. Ponder this, I must.

All in a day's work.

2005-06-24T13:31:00.000+03:00

One never realizes the narrowness and steepness of Israeli staircases until one has to navigate huge blocks of wood down five flights of stairs with no one to help. I think I nearly woke up the whole building with my banging around. Rabbi Lipman you're going to have to apologize to your neighbors for me when you get back that it wasn't some psycho making noise for the hell of it and that I was actually doing something constructive with my time. (Although I think I got some sort of kick out of knowing that I was the one who is responsible for terrorizing a mild suburban apartment building.) Thank God that's over and done with.

Thoughts drifting through my head

2005-06-23T14:48:00.000+03:00

I said goodbye to someone special last night. It makes me sad because I don't think I'll ever see them again. That's the pain of life. I have to move on if fate will not work in my favor and I can not change the outcome. I can not move heaven and hell for what dreams may come; I am only human. I choose instead to step back and mourn silently to myself.

For Justina

2005-06-20T00:48:00.000+03:00

This just in: Older man dies of Laughter?

Police today were baffled at the scene of the crime. An older man (Name withheld to protect the innocent), was found lying dead outside his apartment in the Bronx. Coroners were unable to pinpoint the cause of death but believe he died of laughter. Neighbors were stunned and could not believe that humor could kill. Police have issued warnings to avoid clowns, comedians and bananas. Please be advised that any form of mirth is deadly in large doses.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen

Christmas in June

2005-06-19T00:04:00.000+03:00

Everyone from my program is leaving. Makes my heart sad to see everyone go. I guess its time to start going through everyone's stuff and see what they left... I mean forgot for me. Already I've inherited half a bottle of Tabasco sauce from Dani. Its like Christmas in June. I love the spirit of giving.

The Story of Little Lenny

2005-06-18T21:17:00.000+03:00

So Just because everyone always asks and I'm getting sick of it. Yes, my last name is Nemoy (he spells it differently). Yes, I am related to Mr. Spock from Star Trek. (its so distant I don't know the guy at all. If you ask me, people should be asking him if he's related to me, not the other way around.) And no, He is not a Cohen. Little Lenny was probably looking out under his daddy's talit during one of the high holy days and thought that's kinda cool what those wacky Jews are doing with their hands when they bless us. So thus begins the tale how Little Lenny stole a Jewish symbol and did what all great Jews do; He made money off it. The End. Now shut up and go to sleep.

Frumpa Lumpas

2005-06-16T23:02:00.000+03:00

I've decided that the Charadim that live in Bet Shemesh remind me of Umpa Lumpas. Seriously folks, they have their own wacky style of dress, their own crazy style of hairdo, and their own unique way of walking. No one ever knows where they go, what they eat, or even what they do but somehow they just keep churning them out. Everywhere you go you see them walking around. I almost expect them to break out into song and carry someone off.

Dani asked me tonight what ever happened to Ladino (Mixture of Spanish and Hebrew). I told him it died in the Spanish Inquisition. Yiddish should've died in the Holocaust but those chassidim are just plain too stubborn. Give it time, give it time. Then Dani told me I was a very bad person.