It's EVERYWHERE!

'Salmonella Outbreak Tied to Dry Dog Food Continues'

I thought at first it was a bunch of hungry homeless people munching on dog food to save a bit of money and ending up with hospital bills the size of War and Peace.

Then I read this bit 'As of Oct. 31, 79 cases of salmonella Schwarzengrund had been reported in 21 states. Most of the cases involved children 2 years old and younger, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.'

I'm not sure which is worse, little kids getting sick or homeless people not knowing the difference.

Cotton Candy

I found out that cotten candy is called Grandfather's Hair in Hebrew. Woo Hoo! Israelis finally did something right and picked an awesome name for an awesome candy.

Looking for a New Job

I'm quitting my job in two weeks. Woo Hoo! My boss is now on the prowl for fresh meat to ruin. He posted a help wanted sign in the window with one little clause, applicants must be Sabbath observant. It's a little known fact that kosher-food would not be kosher if it wasn't prepared by a Sabbath observant Jew. The Rabbis in our day and age generally interpret this to mean that the resident Rabbi must light the pilot light before work begins for the day and then all is good with the world.

The little hole in the wall deli place where I work isn't large enough to employ a full time rabbi to be on site, so the kashrut authority which certifies the deli requires that Sabbath observant Jews must work there in order to receive the 'kosher' certification. Non-religious people think I'm joking but I've had to turn away a good number of applicants (both lying and honest.). People continually tell me that 'they've got a Yarmulke in their pocket' as if I might want to see it.

The other day while reading a book during yet another long and boring shift, I noticed a wacky looking fellow sitting on the steps across the square from the deli. He was dressed in a wife beater, multicolored short shorts and a Na Nachman Kippah. He looked to be somewhere in his late twenties to early thirties and he was reading a small book which he kept putting down every two minutes to look up at the deli. Finally after an hour he walked inside and inquired about the help wanted sign. The first question I asked him was whether he was Sabbath Observant. He admitted that last week had been the first week which he managed to keep the entire Sabbath. He explained that he had been trying very hard to become more religious and that keeping one whole Sabbath was a milestone in his observance. I told him we needed someone who was a serious Sabbath observer or we couldn't honestly say we were Kosher. He told me he would try very hard to keep it. I figured it couldn't hurt at this point to be nice and write his name down to humor him. At this point things got complicated. I asked him for a phone number and he said he didn't have one just yet. Then he asked if he could have my cell phone number so he could call me about the job. I gave him one of the store's business cards. He looked it over carefully and then asked me if the boss paid cash 'under the table' or by check. I explained that like any reputable business, the boss paid the employees by check. He simply put the card down and walked out. I'm still not sure where he might've been going with that one.

Oh well, one more name off the list.

Avner's Day Off

I kid you not. This appeared in today's ישראל היום (Israel Today). A relatively minor publication up until now, this daily circulation has managed to do what most papers only dream about; publish a serious paper all while keeping it entirely free. It pays for itself in advertising profits. You can pick up your copy at any large intersection of business type people in the morning. I pass by Ben Yehudah street daily and pick up my copy. Its brilliant and has the right to be respected that is until they thought of this joke.
Among the Sudoku and other nonsensical games that appear in the back of the paper, this little gem appeared. Apparently Avner (for those that can't read Hebrew) is having trouble watching TV because the remote is on the other side of the room. Lard ass can't move his butt the few steps of effort to get the remote. So instead I'm the schmuck who has to help this fat stupid Israeli to further commit mental Seppuku. No wonder Israeli children learn no positive values from the newspaper and the Charadi (Super Orthodox) population likes to talk about the Media's Evil Agenda. I should be helping little squirrels get to their nuts or something equally as benign. Avner just doesn't quite make it on my list of notable people worth the effort.

Tel Aviv is #1

I read several months ago in an Israeli newspaper that the rate of draft dodgers in this country has hit an all time high of 52%. That's a lot of youth avoiding the army. Granted a large sector of population (read religious woman and ultra orthodox charadi) avoid the army like the plague, Tel Aviv still has surpassed Jerusalem for the #1 spot. That's not hard to believe when you realize that the sociological makeup of Tel Aviv is mostly liberal leftist Israelis. During the 2006 Lebanon war, Tel Aviv was severely criticized for its "business as normal" attitude complete with their beaches well stocked with tanning Israelis. Talk about not paying respect to the country's soldiers dying in combat. All this makes me upset. Reading about liberal leftists, who volunteer to be interviewed for the newspaper about how the army isn't important and don't need to draft in this day and age, makes me angry.

The other day while standing outside my place of work, I got into a conversation with the kid who works at the bar next door. Trying to make small talk with an Israeli is rather easy. All you have to do is mention the army and the stories start rolling out. Easily I asked him his age and found out he was 24. Perfect age for post army since Israelis draft at 18, couldn't hurt to ask where he served. Imagine my surprise when he told me he got out of doing the army. I immediately chalked him up to be one of those leftist liberals for whom I have such disdain. Luckily, I stopped myself from commenting and just asked a simple why as if I was curious. He immediately pulled his hands out of his pockets and showed me his right hand with a natural birth deformity. I quickly swallowed the foot in my mouth and told him that's a great reason.

I am ashamed for passing such quick judgement on someone without knowing the whole story

Thankfully, he had the good graces to laugh it off.

All sad but true.

Sometimes Israeli fashion sense scares me just a teeny bit. Ever see those Israeli women who want to be biker moms? you know who I mean, those 40 year old woman who suck in their flabby bellies just enough to slip into a pair of tight pants two sizes too small and shoes that have no place being worn by a woman twice my age. You know they would wear leather if it were cheap enough. Or those grandmothers who think "sexy" means cheerful, sweet, and fun loving. I'm appalled they were allowed to dress themselves in the nursing home. T-shirts with interesting statements should be banned unless you know how to read the language. At least one girl I saw the other day had a sense of humor. Her shirt broadcasted loud and clear about her "Crazy Russian Boyfriend." Begging to be touched.

I saw the purple man the other day. Even his Crocs were purple. They matched his shorts. I'd naturally assume he was gay but his wife and kids were tagging behind. Nothing wrong with pink becoming the new green but an entire wardrobe shouldn't consist of one color.

See I do understand that most people have little, if any, fashion sense and I'm grateful that at the least its not an American sense of trying to stick a 400 lb. girl into something that will show off her cleavage as well as every other bit of fat that she'd like to share, but please would you try to match your shoes to your socks before you leave the house? We aren't even going to talk about the MTV style that is deemed cool because they saw it on American TV. Mullets were banned after the 80's for a good reason.

All sad but true. At least Israelis are skinny.

Bacon

Pondering where people end up when they die, it struck me as such that the worst place a certified atheist could end up when he kicks the bucket would be heaven with all the good little religious kids who would do nothing more then try and convert the aforementioned naysayer. Likewise, the worst place an orthodox fanatic could end up while pushing up daisies would be with all those godless heathens who deny god and insult these people by their very brazenness. Given as granted that both believe the other will end up in hell, It amuses me greatly knowing that the worst calamity that could befall either group is knowing that they will end up together in the end. That being stated we must already be in hell because both already live together on this planet... I hope bacon taste good.

The Next Schmuck

Trash strewn on the side of the road is analogous to a good deed. I mean, how often does one stop and notice the rubbish lying in the grass alongside the road and feel anxious, upset, and disgusted by its very existence? Its akin to raping the earth: Destroying the Ozone layer: Nuking the whales. Its a blight on this planet and a curse on whoever tossed said cigarette butt, soda can or random assortment of food wrapper carelessly on the ground. That being said a landfill is infinitely worse. Its a common blight on humanity. It will sit there for generations without decreasing in mass, size or smell, and worst of all, Its in a place where no one sees it. Sure the trash on the side of the road is minimal in comparison and heavy on the emotional impact but the trash in a garbage dump is compressed and compacted problem slowly eating away our natural resources with no one noticing or giving a damn. Its out of peoples' sight, out of peoples' mind. No one can really recognize the impact of the problem because it doesn't saturate peoples' consciousness the way a random discarded newspaper lying on the street corner boils the blood and fires the anger. people are more prone to notice a problem when it confronts them head on in the face. So do your duty as a citizen. Don't throw out your trash. Leave it lying on the street corner for the next schmuck to pick up. Let someone else deal with your mess. Help show people that this planet has a problem. It won't get any better until we make a statement. Litter, Its the right thing to do!